Confession: Too often I am guilty of focusing on what I don't have. It's an awful, terrible weakness of mine, I know. I'm working at it though. I have been for a long time actually. But something clicked today. I had a revelation.
But first, let me walk you through what I'm referring to. Then we'll get to the revelation and an exciting new determination!
So we all get in that place where we know our grass will never be green enough here, and the only solution is to go to the other side, where the grass has been vibrantly green all this time. Duh.
"I'll be happy when something changes."
"I'll be happy when I get what I want; what I think I need.""
For me it sometimes sounds like this:
I'll be happy when I get a job.
I'll be happy when I get a better job.
I'll be happy when I have a (better) car.
I'll be happy when I'm back in Utah.
I'll be happy when I'm in school.
I'll be happier when I'm OUT of school.
I'll be happy when I have a career.
I'll be happy when I don't need that career because I'm a stay at home mom. #dreamjob
Then, instead of being happy when something moves forward, I'll only be happy if I can go back in time to before the craziness of motherhood hit me.
Or a least I think that's what it will be like. I don't actually have children of my own. I have no idea.
The point being, it never ends. It may not always in the forefront of the mind, but there is no limit to unhappiness. If given all of the focus, one could go on forever with their "I'll be happy when..." statements. There will always be things to complain about. ALWAYS. I can testify of this with a surety.
Since coming home from serving an 18 month mission for the LDS church in Utah and being the happiest I've ever been (yet still having plenty of "I'll be happy when..." moments), my mother has lovingly brought to my attention that I'm developing a "Laman and Lemuel complex."
I have become a murmurer!
When I was a kid, during family scripture study my dad would always make us say "murmurmurmurmurmur" in unison when this word came up in the Book of Mormon. Because of that, this word now stands out to me when I read or hear it. I can almost hear in my head the choir of annoying Willis kids mumbling the word among a few giggles. 👨🏽👩🏻👦🏽👧🏽👦🏽👦🏽👧🏽👧🏽👦🏽👦🏽
Anyway, enough with the reminiscing. Back to my shocking diagnosis: murmurer.
I'd stubbornly (and almost unknowingly) decided I was not going to be happy until I could go back and be a missionary in Utah. The only problem with that was that it will never be an option... ever again. Rats!
I didn't care. I was still in denial.
Life went on (or rather didn't) for about a month and a half, and I continued murmuring (sorry mom). It wasn't until recently that I started enjoying my life again. I kept complaining though...
What?
You heard me. Somehow, even though I was pretty ok with where I was at, I still murmured! Why? Because I was used to it. It's just what I did. I tried SO HARD during my missionary service to not complain, and completely threw away that very valuable skill I'd started developing on the mission. #fail
Tonight as I read in the Book of Mormon with a fraction of my family, there was a verse that kicked me right in the rear. The last few words of Laman in this verse sounded hauntingly familiar. My mom proceeded to read, but these words kept repeating in my mind.
Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy.
1 Nephi 17:22
😳😱
Those words scared me. They're similar to the earlier statements, yet disturbingly different. This is what Laman said to me: We're at the end of the road. Look at all of that time we spent being unhappy. Look at all that wasted time we spent complaining! Now our time is up, and we could have been happy if things had been different.
What he didn't know was that the thing that needed to change was him, not his circumstances!
I imagined myself with my Maker, saying "Well, I would have been happy, if..." It felt so yucky. I hated it. I want to hug Him and thank Him for the experiences I had! I want to be grateful for this time!
Earlier I said "There is no end to unhappiness." I believe that to be true. We can depress ourselves to the bottom of the earth. We have that power (not to say that real depression isn't a real issue. I am very aware that it is.)
But something I believe in more is that there is NO end and NO limit to HAPPINESS. And of that I can testify with more certainty than I have in anything else.
Just as there are countless things to complain about (if you look for them), I would venture to say there are more things to be grateful for and happy about.
You can spend your whole miserable existence picking out every negativity and complaining about it, OR you can spend your life looking for the good, and through recognizing all the good, BE HAPPY.
Life is really hard, but "...men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)
So live for your existence. Seek joy. See the good (holler, #BYUtv).
My revelation is "don't be a Laman."
My new determination is gratitude.
I hope you all got some insight from my babbling, and I hope you don't regret reading all of this mess. (This is a reflection of my mind... Imagine the mess in there!)
#dontbeaLaman #begrateful
And I couldn't possibly post a blog entry without a reference to my favorite movie!
